It was about a year and a half ago. I was raped and after that my world changed so much. What he took from me that night wasn’t just a one time thing. He took my dignity, safety, love, and heart. How could I trust again? How could I allow people in after that? But what else could I do? So I walked away from my youth group, from my dear friends and family shutting everyone out.
I was in such a bad place in my life. So when an opportunity came for me to get into a relationship I did. We entered way too deep way too quickly. We were all so wrapped in the pain that we rushed way to much. Didn’t think clearly and was blinded by finding what we both needed at that time. Fast forward 5 months and we got engaged. People tried to get us to slow down but we wouldn’t listen. Then about 2 weeks after we were engaged I got sick. really sick. Was in the hospital for 12 days straight. Had major surgery. This changed my whole life around. Changed how I saw everything in my life.
After that our relationship started changing. I did some things I am not proud of. I changed so much I wasn’t the person he feel in love with. But he kept holding tighter and tighter onto me wishing and praying to be able to make it work. I had sucked it up for a few months but then come christmas time, I had three of my friends ask me within a week if I was truly happy. If this relationship brought me happiness.
I couldn’t tell them that I truly was and I knew that I had to do something. We began to fight as I got sicker and sicker. We were at our wits end by Christmas. To the point he played sick so we would not fight then. Things began to decay. In late February we broke up. I was in my 3rd round of infections at this point. They just kept coming back over and over again. Then I was supposed to be helping lead a play when I got sick again and I wasn’t able to do what I needed to. It killed me but I did what I could. Down side is I over did it and that sent me back to the hospital. Luckily this time was only a day or so.
It was still so frustrating. I couldn’t stand it. this time it took me months to recover and finally get back to some form of weak normal. All the while struggling to stay in my classes. I was so far behind could barely stand it mentally. I was so far behind I had to take three weeks off of school. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to do it all. But thank God I was able to do it. Stayed in and got good grades in my classes. I don’t know how I managed it other than the support of my friends and family.
All the while going to therapy and trying to find the right medications to help with the depression and anxiety attacks. Then about a month ago I got a call from the wife of the man who raped me. He had been killed in a car crash. I was so happy. But I hated myself because I was happy. It was such a struggle for me. How could I feel happy that a man was dead? But I was free. Free from him forever. I was grateful for my therapist she helped me work through it all. Finally getting the nightmares under control. Finally sleeping more than 4 hours a night. Was a huge blessing. And now we have escaped cancer. Still a lot more questions and concerns await me. But for tonight I’m grateful to get this off my chest. It’s late I should be in bed. Good night all and remember we all matter. Everyone we see has a story just need to take the time to read it.
Finally this video is a video I made for a class it is me through and through. Finally time to share it with everyone.