So I am 23 years old, finishing up school, single, fighting for my health, dealing with depression and anxiety attacks. But is any of that who I am? Does it define me? No, I don’t think so. But what does define us? Is it acts? Works that others can see? Those can all be lies. So what makes us who we are?
Trust me I don’t have my life all together. Trust me, my ex likes to remind me from time to time that my life isn’t all together. But I do know that in the last 5 years, I have changed so much
A lot of crap has happened the last year or so but I am the strongest I have ever been. I force myself to stay positive but it is frustrating. I just want to be normal just relax and let me live my life. But everyday, every struggle is something that changes me and molds me to become who I am supposed to me. But who is that?
Do I get a choice in the matter? Or is it all planed out? Honestly I don’t know. But should that stop me from trying? From determining who I wish to be. Who do I wish to be? Who do I NEED to be?
So many questions. But who am I and what do I want to be? Only time will tell. Life is hard. Anyone who says they deserve something is full of it. We deserve nothing. Only one thing we deserve and that is Love. We are each created and crave love. We need it in our lives. Just depends on what form we receive it in. Some need it in hugs, others in a shoulder to cry on, or someone to just be with you. We all need it we just can’t let ourselves be blinded by it.
We blame our hearts for so much. But it isn’t our hearts. It’s our self worth. I made a lot of mistakes in my life. Some of those mistakes I will take to my grave. Fighting to pay for those. But what is self worth? Is it just how we see our appearance, how we feel people precieve us. But is that what it is? I don’t think so I think it is how we see ourselves.
We settle for what we think we want. Not what we need. Robin Williams said: “The worst thing in life isn’t to end up alone. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel alone.” I think this is something I need to look into more as we go along. But we should never settle for what people say we should have or should be. We need to be ourselves no one else. In the end we only regret the chances we did not take. I’m taking a chance everyday. Every word I type is a chance. But I think I’m ready for this one.
Health update: Tomorrow morning I weight in for a second time. I’m super nervous and excited. I can’t wait. But here is a question for everyone. What do you do at parties? I was at a bonfire tonight and it was so hard I caved in and had some carmel brownies. They were amazing. But I can tell you that I totally caved on my diet? Any tips? I just feel lost. Not sure what to do. I guess tomorrow morning well be the proof. Everyone have a good night. Off to watch Harry Potter with my sister.