So I don’t know what to say. I’m really struggling lately. Somehow I don’t see it getting any better for another week or so. I have mentioned in the past that I was engaged. Well Auguest 31st would have been our wedding date. I never wanted to get to this. I would never have wanted to go through the pain that He and I have gone through in the last six months or so. We rushed into our relationship. I was in a vulnerable place. He was sinking deeper and deeper into isolation. We were the perfect excape for each other.
We got engaged in July. Looking back now, we rushed and I don’t think I was being fare to either of us. I kept telling myself it was the right thing to do. That this attraction would grow into love for me. He Loved me but it became clearer and clearer that I didn’t love him. I just kept pushing down the feelings of doubt. Until Christmas came and it was apparent that I was the adult in this. It became clear and clearer that the things I said had to change hadn’t changed after six months. I tried to end it but we tried it for another few months before we broke it off in late February.
Within the last month or so he finally came to the realization that we will not be getting back together. It broke my heart. Not because it wasn’t my choice originally, but because I hate hurting him like this. I feel like I ruined his life. I broke his heart. Continue to do daily. But our relationship wouldn’t have lasted. It would have crumbled. It was the right choice I do not doubt that.
But even if it was my choice and that I’m stronger than I ever have been before. I still want to stop the pain from both of us. I want to make it all better. One of the hardest things for me was in a letter he wrote me. “I don’t understand why God would let us be together when he knew this pain was in store” I am sorry for the pain I have given you. But we are both adults and I can’t take the blame for everything in your life. I caused you pain and hurt and I hurt you. But you know what it takes two to tango and took both of us to hurt the other.
So am I sorry for what happened? Yes. Am I in pain daily over us? Yes. Will I come back to you? No. Because one mistake can not fix another. We need to both move on in our lives. I just hope this week goes by quickly because every moment of every day beats closer. It hurts. The Anxiety attacks are getting worse and nothing is seeming to pull me out of my depression. So what am I going to do? I think Star Wars, Digimon, Books, and prayer will get me through this week.
Anyone know when I get to relax again? Soon I hope